


Red Tape

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:44:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11342022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	Red Tape

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Red Tape by Hattie

28 Nov 98  
Red Tape (1/1)  
by Hattie  
M/K slash, *NC17* for saucy words and squidgy doings  
Spoilers: None  
Archive: Wherever, just tell me  
Thanks: to Dr Ruthless, Nonie, Orithain and Russianrat for beta and common sense.  
Disclaimer: Apparently they're not ours, or so someone was telling me...  
Notes: Hey, I know it doesn't hold up to close analysis - Krycek's got both arms yet Spender's there. Go figure!

* * *

Scully's parting words of wisdom rang in his ears.

"...and for God sake don't eat anything Mulder, bring it back here, let me take a look at it first. And try to avoid allowing it to touch your skin if possible, some fungi have powerful toxins which can be ingested through the skin..." 

"Yeah thanks Scully, next time I need a thesis on The Fucking Obvious I'll consult you." It was a cheap shot and he regretted it immediately. But hell, apparently it was snippy season at the moment, and anyway, during an earlier venting session she'd informed him he was arrogant and self absorbed, an unfounded accusation which he'd mentally filed away for discussion with her at a more appropriate time.

He stomped off into the undergrowth, half a mind to get himself deliberately lost, instigate a full scale search and rescue and end this madness now. The attempt to get him, Scully, Skinner and Spender to bond into a cohesive unit in the face of adversity just wasn't working. Between them they comprised a team of such staggering dysfunctionality that they were more likely to end up eating each other *before* their rations ran out. What the fuck had possessed Skinner to agree to them being sent on this team building 'Experience' anyway? He recalled the evangelical exhortations of the brochure he'd found in his in-tray weeks ago, the bizarre exchange he'd had with Skinner about it. 

//Believe me Agent Mulder, I don't relish the prospect of this any more than you or Agent Scully, but the Bureau's recent commitment to quality assurance and customer satisfaction requires that we devote resources to making trust, teamwork and open communication a reality rather than a concept.//

Ahh yes, what was it the brochure had said again?

"When we dream alone, it is only a dream. When we dream together, it's the beginning of reality."

"More like a mass fucking hallucination" Scully had snarled.

Hhmm. He wondered whether he'd recognize magic mushrooms if he saw them. A nice little high would be just what the doctor ordered right now (Dr D Scully excepting) - drop a couple of caps, mellow out, sleep through tomorrow, come up smiling on Sunday. 

"...Open and flexible communication and decision making methods, and emphasis on creative problem solving are stressed...."

A free and frank exchange of views between Spender and Skinner over the misreading of map co-ordinates had merely resulted in the creative response that Skinner should "just fuck off and die." Mulder doubted that this heralded a glorious new era of openness and mutual respect between the two.

"...Skills learned in the wilds and teams forged in the wilderness experience produce cohesive, effective and creative employees and teams on their return to work..."

//Someone needs to design a *fucking* course to teach people how they're supposed to actually get on with their jobs when they keep getting sent away on *fucking* courses.//

He was cold, wet, hungry and badly needed a piss but stomped on through the undergrowth to put some distance between himself and his 'team', keeping an eye out for anything that looked edible and non-toxic. Less than twelve hours into the exercise Agent Spender had already been cruelly struck down by the shits, and although Mulder found this amusing, he had no desire for Scully or Skinner to be similarly afflicted. Not yet, anyway... 

He found himself in a gloomy clearing and stood up against a tree to empty his bladder, listening intently to the woodland noises. Some people found them unnerving, but he found them oddly comforting - evidence of nature's perpetuity, despite man's interference. He wondered idly how many hundred pairs of eyes were focused on him at this precise moment, watching him perform an act of nature that united them all. He heard an owl calling; it seemed to have been his companion since he left the camp. Maybe he hadn't come that far after all. Should they try to catch fish when he got back? Surely between them they could fashion a hook, dig out some bait; and Skinner, he must have some survivalist techniques he could bring into play. There was that owl again. Odd. Standing there, taking a leak, cock in hand it sounded incredibly close and almost...lewd - the 'twit twoo' morphing into something suspiciously like...a wolf whistle.

In the split second his brain took to process each constituent piece of information and conclude that Krycek was about to jump him, Krycek jumped him. Mulder fell forward, clutching at the tree, trying to keep upright, succeeding in slithering down its trunk, though having the presence of mind to cross his legs before the bark made contact with anything more tender than his cheek. Krycek straddled his back for a second before allowing himself to be flipped over as Mulder wrestled him off. They eyed one another - Mulder's blood pressure hiked up several notches, propelled by the smirk that played on Krycek's lips.

"Krycek?! What the *hell* do you think you're playing at? What are you doing here?"

"Jeez, Mulder, just saved you from the one-eyed trouser snake, a little gratitude wouldn't go amiss".

"Christ, I thought we had an understanding!" Mulder began stuffing himself into his pants. "Have you *any* idea of the trouble this could make for me if anyone-" 

"Oh relax!" Alex was visibly irritated. "Christ, you're so self absorbed, it's always about *you* isn't it."

//Jesus, not you as well, Alex...//

Alex rested back on his elbows, assuming a disinterested air, examining his ragged fingernails. "For your information I'm here for the same reason you are - just taking the night air before going back for a session of enforced bonding with my home boyz."

Mulder took a minute to make sense of this. The only thing more absurd than fully trained, experienced law enforcement agents being forced to engage in this sort of touchy-feely crap was the thought of a bunch of psychotic thugs, answerable to a shadow government, engaging in it alongside them. 

Alex registered Mulder's incredulity and grinned. "At the end of the day, we're all feeding from the same trough, Mulder. These days if you get a policy memo, chances are we've got it too. I'm here legit. 

"So, I gather we're not allowed back until we've probed our inner child or something? Speaking of which, care to do a little probing of your own, hmm?"

Alex ran the palm of his hand suggestively across Mulder's stomach, snapping him back to life. He slapped Alex's fingers away.

"Stop that! I only came out here for a piss and..." twitch of lips, anger fading, "...to gather the fruits of the forest to feast on."

They settled into a practiced routine of innuendo. Alex scooted up closer.

"Oh, so you were expecting me then? Strange, I don't see dinner." 

"I couldn't see anything to tempt my palate."

"Well, allow me to slip you some meat."

"Down boy; Scully said I'm not to swallow anything without her taking a look at it first."

Alex shuddered. He picked himself up off the forest floor and began pacing, hugging himself. Mulder noticed that he was lightly dressed in a plaid shirt, his familiar jacket missing. 

"Anyway, I kinda had Skinner pegged as the hunter-gatherer type. How come the big guy isn't out here wrestling wild boar with his bare hands?

"I left him fashioning a loin cloth out of his knapsack. We're taking turns to go a-foraging. Anyway, what happened to you, you don't look appropriately dressed for outdoor pursuits?"

"They made a team decision to use my coat to rig up a sling for a bosun's chair, upstream. I'm fucking freezing my balls off."

Mulder reached into his knapsack, drew out an orange slicker. "Here, don't say I never give you anything".

"Ooh, orange nylon, always a good look on me." Mulder made to take it back, but Alex snatched it from him. 

"You sure? I don't wanna put you out."

Mulder eyed him quizzically. "Careful, Alex. All this bonding's turning you soft. Anyway, you're not putting me out. It's Spender's." The idea had a certain appeal and they both snickered.

Alex took the orange monstrosity, tugged it on over his shirt. It unraveled to just above his knees. He pulled up the hood for effect. On a whim Mulder leant forward and pulled the draw strings tight, gathering the hood so that it obscured Alex's eyes and chin. They giggled some more, easy with one another now. Mulder tugged Alex against him, still holding the drawstrings.

"What will you tell the others? They'll want to know where you got it."

"The truth, more or less. I'll say I mugged some wussy Fed kid. That's kinda our unofficial team objective anyway."

Alex's arms encircled Mulder's waist. He rested his head briefly on Mulder's shoulder.

"Christ, I've missed you." Softly, Mulder only just caught it. The sort of admission Alex would never make at full volume, or in full visibility. He cupped a hand under his head and drew Alex round to look at him. The tightness of the hood meant that only that luscious mouth was visible, but the erotic tableau this presented was offset by the fact that the rest of his face was obscured by that ridiculous orange hood. Mulder pulled at the hood. "Get that damn thing off - let me see you."

Alex pulled it back and off, grinning. It had started to rain lightly. They regarded each other for a second, then Mulder pulled him into an embrace, kissed him warmly. He felt Alex shiver and pulled him closer still. He knew Alex didn't need taking care of, but was grateful for the pretense the other man allowed him to construct. He felt Alex's fingers on his face, his thumb insistently stroking at his chin, his lower lip, even while they kissed. His other hand strayed down Mulder's chest, testing the firmness of his stomach, resting on the waistband of his pants, then delving further. 

He undid his fly button and slipped his hand inside, seeking the hardness the visible bulge in Mulder's jeans promised. His fingers teased their way towards his cock, encouraged by his soft groans. Alex broke the kiss and began a familiar, breathy litany in Mulder's ear. 

"So, you been missing me too then, babe?.. Yeah, course you have. See, I had a guy watch you while I been out of town, Mulder. You don't get much action when I'm not around do you, sweethea-" 

Without warning Mulder grasped his wrist and yanked his hand violently away and upwards, holding it in an iron grip at eye level, between them. He stared at Alex, his expression unreadable, intense, before turning to his captured hand, studying it, then...breathing on it.

"Warm your hands first." He flashed a grin.

Alex let out the breath he'd been holding and closed his eyes, silently cursing Mulder.

He felt Mulder's breath on his cheek. "What's the matter, Alex? I thought you considered mind fuckery an essential element of foreplay?"

They kissed with renewed vigor, Alex's tongue now seeking submission. He pulled his hand away from Mulder's, careful to place it behind his back in the open air, willing any residual warmth it had attained from Mulder's grasp to evaporate, before shoving it back into his pants and grasping him firmly. Mulder all but shrieked at the icy contact and tried to extricate himself from Alex's grasp. Feeling Mulder's excitement start to dwindle under the cool touch, Alex let go and patted Mulder on the cheek. 

"Never forget you're fucking with the master here, Fox."

Mulder made a noise of disgust and made to push him away. 

"Aww, poor Fox, did the game get too scary?" Alex giggled. "Truce, Mulder, truce...TRUCE!" He managed to contain Mulder's struggles and eventually coax a reluctant grin from him.

"Fuck it, but you better warm me up, Alex, *now*. Feels like I'm packing a popsicle down there."

Alex kissed him once more, gently this time. "S'Okay. I'll take care of you".

He dipped down, freed Mulder's softening cock and took it into his mouth, sucking gently to coax it to hardness again. Mulder gasped at the sensation, at the delicious heat that curled around his thighs, across his stomach. His hands moved to cup the back of his lover's head, applying a welcomed pressure. Alex usually forced Mulder's hands away when giving head, pinned them behind his back, insisting on total control, but for now he was content to let himself be guided, for Mulder to control his movements and shape them to his own needs. He dropped his hands to entwine around Mulder's calves and gave up his mouth to Mulder's thrusts. He felt a hand move from its steadying position at the back of his head, and slip round to the front of his face. Mulder was mirroring his earlier action, stroking his face, inserting his thumb between Alex's lips, relishing the feeling of both his own hand and Alex's mouth on his cock. His fingers cupped the side of Alex's jaw, measuring the strokes of his tongue and throat. He felt orgasm approach far too soon, a delicious uphill drag that he both welcomed and tried to stave off before surrendering to, withdrawing his fingers and pushing himself deep into Alex's throat, holding his head steady. 

When he recovered himself, Alex was still at his feet, head resting against his thigh, laughing softly.

"What?!"

"Just thinking, that's the only hot meal I'm gonna get today."

Mulder rolled his eyes, held out his hand to help Alex up. "C'mere you."

He pulled him into an embrace. They held each other quietly for a few moments, Alex's head cradled into his neck, Mulder stroking his hair; a stolen moment of tenderness, unexpected and therefore all the more appreciated. Then the silence was punctured.

"Krrrrrrrrycek!!! Where the fuck have you hid yourself, you lousy motherfucker?! Get back here, *now*!!!"

Mulder felt Alex scowl against him, and grinned. "Ahh, the covert Consortium distress signal, I presume? How can we possibly hope to triumph against the forces of evil in the face of such cunning." 

His words, though meant lightly, drew them both up abruptly, emphasizing the gulf that separated them.

Alex pulled out of his embrace, smiling ruefully. "I have to go, babe...Later..." He backed away, holding Mulder's gaze, looking more wistful and beautiful and dangerous than any man swathed to the knee in an orange, nylon waterproof had a right to, then turned and sprinted off in the direction of his colleagues.

Mulder closed his eyes and rested against the tree a moment, cursing his words and willing Alex to retrace his steps, renounce his treacherous ways and run away with him to a brave new life where together they could fight the forces of evil and fuck each other senseless in roughly equal portions.

After a couple of minutes, when it became obvious that this wasn't going to happen any time soon, he rearranged himself, picked up his knapsack and went in search of his team.

END


End file.
